Dorsher's World

When Jesus Turned Zombie, Could You Have Cut His Head Off?

It’s an interesting question, with no simple answer. Firstly, when Jesus came back as a Zombie (note: when zombie refers to Jesus we have to capitalize it. He was the son of God, not the son of some god) it was not yet widely know what zombies were. Consequently, not much was know on how to kill them.

Seeing as this was a few thousand years ago, and more likely more likely to be wrapped in cloth than shoved in a pine box, He might have been more likely to come back as a mummy. However, as the stations of the cross mention little about the embalming process, I think it’s fairly safe to assume that Jesus was no mummy.

Now, you might be thinking, “Obviously Jesus was no mummy, because He had no kingdom or temple!”. That is where you show your ignorance, reader, for His ‘is the kingdom of heaven.’ Get back to church and study up, you heathen.

But could He have been a vampire? Now vampire Jesus makes a lot more sense in reality. Before He became undead, He poured a glass of wine, gave it to His disciples and said, ‘Take this, all of you, and drink from it. This is my blood, the blood of a new and everlasting covenant … Which I have given up for you.’ It sounds pretty vampire-y to me.

Think about this: what repels vampires? The cross. What was Jesus killed on: that’s right – A CROSS! Think Vampire Jesus would be afraid of crosses: you bet your ass He would! I’d avoid them like the plague. Why Garlic? You’ve got me there …

Now obviously Jesus was not an alien. I’m not going to even humor that sort of outrageous tangent with further comment. Let’s get back to the thought train, shall we?

So Zombie Jesus comes out of the whole, moving the boulder with 28 Days Later or I Am Legend super zombie strength, and He’s barreling down on you mumbling something about brains in Arameic: could you cut His head off, or would you fall victim to His Zombie attack? I think I’d fall victim to a Zombie Jesus attack. That whole “Foot wash, govenor?” trick always gets me. It’s a fine line between the water lapping the side of your foot and Zombie Jesus tongue gnawing it gently to pieces.

Happy Easter Weekend, Everybody!

This entry was published on March 29, 2010 at 10:44 pm. It’s filed under Comedy, Festivals, General Update, Society, Unbelievable and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “When Jesus Turned Zombie, Could You Have Cut His Head Off?

  1. I didn’t know that Jesus spoke with a British tilt. I learn something new every day.

  2. Of course Jesus spoke with a British accent, he was English, for god’s sake!

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